Try Blessing Instead of Judging

Posted on October 27, 2008 by Bruce Keener

Ever find yourself being too judgmental?

I’d be surprised if anyone could answer “no” to that question. Being judgmental seems to be part of our human nature. Of course, some of us are worse at it than others. In some cases, our training has made us so. For example, in my long career, I spent many years making judgments on how numerous organizations implemented their engineering, training, operations, and corrective action programs (among others), and I suspect this has contributed to me being more judgmental than I once was. I have tried to not let it have that effect on me, but …

Other things can further enflame our tendency to judge, too. For example, the current election campaigns in the US. You have probably seen, as I have, a political ad in which a politician is telling an outright lie, and you know they know they are lying. So you label them as a liar, when the fact is that they are people who have faults and positive traits, just like all of us. We do them, and ourselves, a disservice to put them in box labeled “liar.”

Those are big examples, though. What about the more common, everyday situations in which we make judgments, and then later learn that we wrong. Take the comical but sad example of me being in an elevator with a gorgeous young woman and thinking to myself “I bet she doesn’t spend any nights alone.” And then I strike up a conversation and learn that she is terribly insecure, and probably thinks that people judge her based only her beauty and do not care that she is a person with feelings, challenges, dreams and hopes.

One thing I learned years ago from reading a Dale Carnegie (or Norman Vincent Peale) book was to say a silent prayer of blessing for everyone you meet. Sadly, I have too often forgotten to do this. But in the past few weeks I have been trying it out. I hope to make a habit of it. I find that doing it makes me feel a lot better about people, and a lot better about me.

Hence, if you find yourself struggling with being too judgmental, try blessing instead. Just think a thought of blessing to those you are judging, and see if it makes you feel better, knowing that the people we judge are people just like us in so many ways.

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  • Alex

    I like that article a lot. It’s almost religious in its highly moral approach. But I felt myself kind of frustrated and helpless after reading it. That made me “meditate” over the given subject deeply. Is it really so bad to judge? Yes, indeed, Holy Bible tells me not to judge (in my case, I’m a christian) for not being judged. On the other hand, I feel somehow that God has gifted every human with precious freedom of choice (fused with corresponding responsibility). A choice has always a basis underneath, – like a determinative cause for a following action. And it seems natural to put our brains to good use and work that basis out by evaluating a given situation or even a person! It’s alright to know how to distinguish, say, good from bad, and Jesus taught us Himself how to do that. But did He taught us to judge while at the same time forbidding it? I don’t think so. There must be some kind of obscure perplexity in our way to the truth.

    I gave it a thought, and here is the idea. Most of the time I used to substitute two different things in my life with each other. It’s a kind of terminological mistake, if you like. I am not good at English but I am going to do my best to explain the matter.

    There is one thing – a judgement in the meaning of blame, or censure. It is widely recognized as a counterproductive, totally subjective and even sinful action. It includes placing “a judge” highly above “a respondent”, making it look like the former one is a human of “better quality” than the latter.

    There is another thing – a judgement in the meaning of inventory, or research. It is more about evaluation free of blame and praise alike. It’s pretending to be objective by removing an ego out of vision of situation. It’s something about an ability to accept the world as it is, at the same time learning from it. It’s about humility and serenity, about “let it go” attitude, free of control or passion. That latter form of judgement is not a judgement in common meaning, I’d say it’s rather a vision. And I dare to say it’s quite natural and good to have such a thing as we’re human.

    For me, the problem is in substitution of “vision” (as I defined it) with “judgement”. Today I gave it a deep thought, for the first time in my life. It looks like something have found it’s long lost place in my head. Yet another piece of puzzle of a worldview, I guess.

    Thank you very much for that article, Bruce. Frankly, I’m not ready to give out blessings to everyone I meet. I am not ready to take seriously Dale Carnegie’s books neither (no disrespect meant, it’s just that I’m a mental health professional). Still, there is much work ahead to continue liberating myself from such a destructive form of behaviour as judgement (in its default blaming meaning). I think it would be easier now with a clear and constructive alternative that I mark as important target from now on.

    God bless you, Bruce Keener. It’s so good to read your blog with so human topics, then just stop and rethink something really important.

  • http://www.keenerliving.com/ Bruce Keener

    You are a very deep thinker, Alex. I appreciate you sharing your insights with us, and I am confident that those who benefit from your mental health work benefit greatly from your insights and deep thinking.

    God bless you, too, Alex.

  • Alex

    Thank you for your kind words, Bruce. I feel myself a bit embarassed to be honest, especially when you’re mentioning my line of work. I guess that thing about Dale Carnegie sounded a bit haughty, too. I’d like to clarify myself. I really appreciate his books. I sincerely find his talented and practical approach admirable and useful. It’s just… like professional programmers do not search for code optimization hints in popular IT magazines (because there are none to be found). I am wrong audience for Dale Carnegie when it comes to terms of constructive communication. But I do find a lot of interesting and important topics on your website which go far beyond my area of expertise as a psychotherapist. Spiritual growth or time management are both good examples here. Did I tell you how I admire your productivity, by the way? Hope I spinned that properly this time :) And sorry for keep posting that much, you know us ADDers are persistent and hyperfocused sometimes.

  • http://www.keenerliving.com/ Bruce Keener

    Alex, your kind words mean a lot to me. Thank you very much.

    Yes, I am very much aware of how we ADDers get hyperfocused and persistent. I also have a “touch of OCD,’ which only adds to that. (I’ll probably write about that sometime in the next week or so.)