Setting the Record Straight

Posted on August 23, 2008 by Bruce Keener

I’ve spoken often on this blog about the importance of having an open mind. Yet, I realized today that I have been hypocritical in regard to this.

I discovered this when I was writing an email to Steve Pavlina. He had an article on his blog about the loss of a friend, and after reading it, I decided to email him to see if he would link to one of my articles (especially the one on The Big Picture, an article prompted by the loss of my wife).

In writing to him, I felt compelled to confess to him that I had unsubscribed from his blog several months ago, because I thought it was “too New Agey,” and that I now felt like a hypocrite in doing so because I have always believed in being open-minded. (I re-subscribed to Steve’s blog this morning, and have read through several of his in-depth, well thought-out articles, and encourage you to do the same.)

Ever since I can remember, I have detested hypocrisy and closed minds. So I was disappointed in myself when I realized this morning that I am guilty of these sins.

In clearing the air and confessing these sins, there is another example of hypocrisy that I must confess to. It is not a blatant one, because I don’t think I have actually lied about anything. But, many of you may have assumed from my past writings, especially my Big Picture article, that I am a Christian. Well, I have been. And, I still think the Christian faith is the one that I most want to believe. In its purest form, it is focused on helping others, whereas some other belief systems, such as Buddhism, seem more to me to be focused on examining the inner self. (Although there is a strong focus on compassion and concern for all sentient life, it seems that the practice of Buddhism is more directed at self than outwardly. That is my opinion, of course, and subject to change.)

Anyway, just to set the record straight, I struggle almost every day to believe in God. The things that most cause this struggle are the amount of suffering in the world (tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, cancer in children, and on and on), and my difficulty trying to believe that prayers are answered.

I am not an atheist, not a hard-core one anyway. If I had to fit myself to an existing belief system, it would probably be Deism: a God who created everything, possibly even other universes, but who does not take a personal role in the creation.

I am not happy with this situation. I was much happier when I believed in prayer and when the problem of suffering and evil did not seem so big to me. I try on an almost daily basis to get back to my “former self,” but I am not there, and do not know if I ever will be again.

Nonetheless, I felt that I had to share this. It may cause some of you to stop reading my blog. That certainly would disappoint me, but I would be even more disappointed in myself if I had not set the record straight.

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  • Jaz Horsley

    I’m a Christian with lots of questions/doubts as well.
    Frederick Buechner says doubts are the ants-in-the-pants of faith.
    Take a look at Robert F. Capon’s The Third Peacock. Capon is funny and wise. He’s helped me a lot in sorting out God, the Christian faith, the problem of evil and other assorted minor subjects…

  • http://www.keenerliving.com/ Bruce Keener

    Thank you very much, Jaz. I’ll add The Third Peacock to my reading list. I would order it right now, but this week I’ve already read Max Lucado’s “It’s Not About Me” and have almost finished Pastor Timothy Keller’s “The Reason for God” and have just ordered (earlier this afternoon) Francis Collins’ “The Language of God.”

    Keller’s chapter on sin has been an excellent reminder to me that Christianity best addresses the “human condition.” Despite countless years of evolution, we still have all the human faults that the first humans had. Any philosophy that teaches that mankind can reach Utopia through progressive improvement simply has not paid adequate attention to the facts.

    I have recently begun to believe that some of my shiftlessness regarding faith is in part due to my OCD. I do not have a crippling form of OCD, but my OCD is probably at least partly responsible for me periodically hitting the “start all over button” on researching faiths and cycling through periods of belief and doubt. Hopefully realizing this will afford me some degree of control over it.

    Again thank you for the encouragement and references.

    All my best
    Bruce